The First Annual Irony Awards!

  Ladies and Gentlemen! After a temporary hiatus, I'm back! And for a good reason, too! For tonight is the night of The Feo's Blog First Annual Irony Awards, where we look at three cases of pure irony. They're actually not annual! That just makes them sound more legitimate and official! But hey! Get your wide rimmed black glasses and put them on - it's time to get ironic (ironically)!

Number 3: NON-EXISTENT!

  When I was thinking of this post, I only had two ironic events in my mind. I still only have two ironic events in my mind. ONWARDS TO NUMBER 2!

Number 2: FOR THE LOVE OF POLICEWOMAN!

  So we're in Park Vista Community High School in Palm Beach, Florida. This was one of the 3 schools labelled for an undercover police operation to look for teens who were tripping balls. Or something along those lines.

  Annnyways, 18-year old honor student Justin Laboy was arrested for selling marijuana to an attractive senior girl. Turns out attractive senior girl was actually attractive 25-year old undercover cop. But here's the ironic part: he was falling in love with her. Apparently he'd never even smoked in his life. She'd asked him for some, so he went and bought her a bag of mayor-i-hoo-ana while tripping...on love. She tried to offer him thirty dollars for his troubles, but he declined, calling it a gift. He still got arrested for selling small amounts of marijuana. 

  So in conclusion, cops are now seducing kids into buying drugs they would never have otherwise obtained and arresting them for it. I don't know about you, but cops are supposed to serve and protect, not seduce and seduce and stuff. 

Number 1: GEORGE'S WILDEST DREAMS!

  It's 2009. You're reading George Orwell's masterpiece,"1984", on your Kindle. SUDDENLY - the book disappears off your screen, and off your device. What? What?

  Amazon had just remotely deleted all copies of "1984" and "Animal Farm" that were added by an unauthorized publisher to the Kindle store. People were reimbursed, but how ironic! Big Brother of the Amazon had just reached into your home and taken your books back. 

  There! I posted!

Feo.

P.S.
I don't know what happened to the fonts. Leave me alone.

Used Stuff, Now Available in Vending Machines!

 
  We all have stuff that we don't quite need. But that incredibly large wooden phallus you brought from Brazil means a lot to you! Even though it's hidden safely away from anyone and everyone. You're too cheap to donate it (every thrift shop has an 'incredibly large wooden phallus from Brazil' section, but who cares?), and no pawn shop owner in his or her right mind will take it. They aren't as artistically sophisticated as the rest of us, those pawn shop owners. So what do you do with that thing? Easy! Stick it in a vending machine.
  Silly art project people! They're always up to silly stuff. This is no exception. Behold, the "Swap-O-Matic". What, you may ask, is the Swap-O-Matic? No problem! I'll tell you!
  Imagine yourself in the wintry streets of Brooklyn, treading through a fresh layer of thin snow. Your backpack feels uncomfortably heavy. Wait! You have a brand-new leather notebook that you don't even need in there! Your eyes shift across the gray urban landscape until you see the light of a golden afternoon sun reflecting off the window of what appears to be a hipster cafe! The kind for the really intense hipsters, who think that Starbucks is way-way-waaay too mainstream. Said cafe is called "Blue Stocking's Cafe". You recall that this is a Swap-O-Matic location! Huzzah!
  You step through the door. A record player spins out some unreleased indie track that has been released on vinyl. Bags of coffee are on sale in the back. A "free-trade independent company" label has been taped over the Starbucks logo. You look to your left to see a Swap-O-Matic machine. You pull off your backpack and dig through it for the leather notebook. Book in hand, you walk towards the machine, which resembles a series of transparent glass lockers adorned with '50s space lounge imagery. In one of the glass boxes you notice a mug with Karl Marx quotes plastered all over it. How delightfully unconventional! That mug is totally tradeable for your leather notebook. So you proceed to type your e-mail into the Swap-O-Matic, select the 'swap' option, and open the now-unlocked door of the mug's container. You replace the mug with your notebook and close the door shut. And now you have a mug where there was once a notebook. Your bag is still heavy, but it is now philosophically heavy, too!
  That's essentially how the Swap-O-Matic machine works. You can use it to trade different objects such as cocaine, books, and incredibly large wooden phalli from Brazil. You can also donate stuff, which adds a credit to your account. You can redeem these credits at any time to open one of the compartments if something awesome, such as a Karl Marx mug, finds its way there.
  I actually think this is a very interesting idea. But it seems it would only work in settings such as small cafes, the reason being that unless the machine is in clear view of the workers and customers, people will probably start replacing nice stuff with empty milk cartons and cardboard boxes. Other than that, I would love to have some of these around town. It would totally make my useless stuff more useful. For other people.
  More on this project at http://www.swap-o-matic.com/.
  Now please excuse me while I buy the new Radiohead album and place it in the Swap-O-Matic just to show how much I don't want it. How do you go from Kid A to that thing? Seriously.

Feo.
 

Getting Lost, Imagining Mailboxes, and Singing Songs

  My my. It's 2012. This is going to be a year of opportunities, I think. I'm going to take them. I'm also going to get back into shape. Seriously. I'm not kidding. Yeah.

  I have several new projects planned for this year. They even have tentative titles, such as "Siberia", "Planet Blue and Empty Faces", and "SOL". One of them is a film. I bet you're all excited as hell. Yeah.

  On a completely unrelated subject: (that isn't a lie. You know how some people say they're starting a new subject and then tie that into the original topic? Dirty liars, those ones. I'm actually starting a new topic.) I got lost walking home a couple of days ago. Absolutely incredible. How in the name of Keanu Reeves does that happen? 

Here's my stream of consciousness that afternoon:

• Yeah, baby. I'm taking the bus today.
• Okay. It's been 30 minutes since school ended. Time to get to the bus stop and get on a bus.
• Hey. It's nice out today. Time to strip down to my particularly thin dress shirt. What now, winter? It's your fault you're not here in the middle of December. Seriously now.
• Oh crapcookies. All the buses are gone.
• Yeah, baby. I'm walking today.
• I'm going to walk home the same way I do everyday! 
• So much ice.
• HOLY SHITBISCUITS I ALMOST SLIPPED
• I think I'm going to sing "Horror With Eyeballs" by The Dissociatives
• ALL OF THIS TIME ON MY HANDS
• SO FAR HAS GONE
• TO FEEDING MY ANIMALS
• NANA NAA NA NAAAA NA NAA NA NAAAA NA
• People walking towards me.
• ALL OF THIS TIME I WAS DEAD
• LIMBLESS IN BED
• SEDATED EXPERIMENTS
• Wait. Stop. People.
• Look at them until they make eye contact. Look at them. Look at them. THEY HAVE MADE EYE CONTACT. LOOK AWAY! LOOK AWAY!
• How far back are they now? 
• Yeah, that's pretty far.
• I'M SELLING THE SUN
• MY SKIN FEELS SILKY SMOOTH
• HOLY SHITBISCUITS I ALMOST SLIPPED
• I love that song.
• It's exceptionally icy here.
• Peripheral vision sees something
• OH NO WHITE VAN TO MY RIGHT!
• GO LEFT GO LEFT GO LEFT
• Whoa. Man, that was insanely close. It turned the other way. Whoaaa. Whoa.
• I turned right because I wanted a change of scenery. Exactly.
• Oh crapcookies. I'm walking up to that road that's always busy.
• Avoid busy road.
• Annnnd left. We're going left.
• Wait. I've never been on this street.
• It's okay. This one's parallel to the street I take.
• Time to sing "Barbarella" by Silverchair. It's actually a B-Side. I'm a serious fan, you know?
• SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING
• BARBARELLA!
• SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING
• Where am I?
• Oh man where am I?
• Wait! Here come some little kids with backpacks. That means the only elementary school in this neighborhood is that way!
• Walking.
• Walking.
• The kids are looking at me. They probably think my dress shirt is totally boss. 
• Are you kids holding a parka in one hand and a coffee cup in the other?!
• HA! I thought not. 
• Boss life.
• I am in the middle of a small field.
• Turn left?
• There's fence to my left.
• Turn right.
• There's fence to my right.
• Go north? It's forward so it's north.
• There's a white wooden house with a red mailbox to your north. What would you like to do next?
• >Where am I? Seriously?
• That command is not in my vocabulary. Type in 'HELP' to see a list of all possible commands.
• Even I'm not nearly old enough to get that reference! Good luck with that.
• There's actually actually another fence to my 'north'.
• Right. I have homework to do, damnit.
• FLIPPIN' MY PHONE OUT.
• FLIIIIIP!
• Boss life.
• HEY MOM. I'M IN SOME PARK.
• "Seriously, Feo? Right. You have to turn right."
• RIGHT?
• "That's not left. Right. Okay? Right."
• OKAY THANKS MOM
• Walk out of field.
• Turn right.
• Walking. 20 metres.
• OH MY GOD IT'S THE BUSY ROAD.
• I'M COMING HOME!
• "Reflections of a Sound" by Silverchair! HIT IT!
• IN THE SUN
• WE ARE FOUND
• TO BE REFLECTIONS
• OF A SOUND!
• Wait. No. People everywhere.

  

Feo.

New Year's Special: A Year in Pictures

 

  See that? That's an entire year of blog posts. And what a wonderful year it was. It was a year of warm azure shores, and a year of shimmering snow lain under an icy blue sky. It was a year of eyes opening, and a year of meeting new people; some of the best people I've known.
  Click on any of the above pictures to go to its corresponding post. It's a visual dictionary of Feo's Blog in 2011. I'd also like to show you my favorite posts that have found a place here this year.

 "Apocalypse, No?" 

  My first real post. The May 21st Judgement Day was a subject of conversation for the entire world. Within days of it turning out that May 21st was NOT Judgement Day, the world forgot all about it. Everyone just forgot. It's what always happens.

  "Brownies Are The New Chloroform!"

  One of the most absurd ideas I've ever seen. At least there's hypothetically fewer traffic jams occurring after these things went on sale. Everyone's stuck in ditches now, you see.

  "Blind as a Bat (Not at All)"

  The ability to develop a sense that creates an alternate image of reality is absolutely mindbending. This is the human brain doing what it always tries to do: work around obstacles to achieve its image of perfection. Perfection has most definitely been achieved in this case.

  "Fancy Dancing"

  Dancing has never been this fancy.

  "Eyes"

  Poetry.

  "Lighthouse"

  The Truth.

  "Feo Replies to Your Mind Mail (I Like Books.)"

  Get that Kindle hoo-haa out of my house.

  "The Chair and The Fire"

  While this version is not final, it has received more response than anything I've ever written. That's very nice, I'd say.

  "Home"

  Home.

  "Christmas Eve. (Helicopters and Chimneys)"

  I need to go sleep.

I'd just put up the entire blog as my favorite at this point. It's been a good year.

  I saw with my own eyes what many people dream of seeing, and I am immensely grateful. I am grateful to my family, whose love never falters, even when I am at my worst. I am grateful to my friends, who constantly show me that the good in people is limitless. And I am grateful to everyone who read, reads, is reading, and perhaps will read this blog. It has been both an escape from and a window to reality. It has become one of the core ways that I express myself. And I'm definitely not done writing here. Not at all.
  This is Feo wishing you all, whoever you are, wherever you are, the best year you can have. See you in 2012. I love you all. Probably. Yeah, I probably do.

Thank you.
Feo.